HALT

Halt

Frank

Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired.

HALT

Signs of weakness, signs of cracks in the facade, don’t let these feelings go unnoticed or unchecked. This is a tough time of year but everything begins anew tomorrow. Hang in there. You’re not alone.

Has the pressure of the holidays been too much? You’re not alone.

Are you afraid of what the coming year may bring or regret the year gone by? You’re not alone.

Are you hurting over the recent loss of a loved one or the reminder of those who have passed on before? You’re not alone.

Struggling with your family? You’re not alone.

If you’re feeling these things. Don’t try and white-knuckle it alone. Call a friend. Go to a meeting. Put the toast of champagne down. Most of all, remember, you’re not alone.

If you need to, check out the following resources:

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
   his love endures forever.
Let the redeemed of the LORD say this—
   those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
those he gathered from the lands,
   from east and west, from north and south.
 
Some wandered in desert wastelands,
   finding no way to a city where they could settle.
They were hungry and thirsty,
   and their lives ebbed away.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way    to a city where they could settle.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for men,
for he satisfies the thirsty
   and fills the hungry with good things.
 
Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom,
   prisoners suffering in iron chains,
for they had rebelled against the words of God
   and despised the counsel of the Most High.
So he subjected them to bitter labor;
   they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he saved them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom
   and broke away their chains.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for men,
for he breaks down gates of bronze
   and cuts through bars of iron.
 
Some became fools through their rebellious ways
   and suffered affliction because of their iniquities. 
 They loathed all food
   and drew near the gates of death.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he saved them from their distress.
He sent forth his word and healed them;
   he rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for men.
Let them sacrifice thank offerings
   and tell of his works with songs of joy.
 
Others went out on the sea in ships;
   they were merchants on the mighty waters.
They saw the works of the LORD,
   his wonderful deeds in the deep.
For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
   that lifted high the waves.
They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
   in their peril their courage melted away.
They reeled and staggered like drunken men;
   they were at their wits’ end.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
   the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
   and he guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
   and his wonderful deeds for men.
Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
   and praise him in the council of the elders.
 
He turned rivers into a desert,
   flowing springs into thirsty ground,
and fruitful land into a salt waste,
   because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
He turned the desert into pools of water
   and the parched ground into flowing springs;
there he brought the hungry to live,
   and they founded a city where they could settle.
They sowed fields and planted vineyards
   that yielded a fruitful harvest;
he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased,
   and he did not let their herds diminish.
 
Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled
   by oppression, calamity and sorrow;
he who pours contempt on nobles
   made them wander in a trackless waste.
But he lifted the needy out of their affliction
   and increased their families like flocks.
The upright see and rejoice,
   but all the wicked shut their mouths.

Whoever is wise, let him heed these things
   and consider the great love of the LORD. (Psalm 107, emphasis added)

Torn apart

Frank

One of the biggest movie hits over the holiday break has been “Little Fockers” the third in a series of movies offering a comedic spin on typical dysfunction. I haven’t seen it yet, but if it follows the theme of the first two, it is likely filled with Greg Focker (Ben Stiller) bumbling around making a fool of himself trying to please his in-laws. What makes these movies so funny is that we all relate in some way. Truth is, we all have a little dysfunction.

Our quirks, our pet-peeves, our habits all rub someone the wrong way. Our loved ones have learned to put up with them, strangers may judge us by them. No one is perfect. But we have this nasty habit of focusing on ourselves, so someone else’s peccadillo become more pronounced when related to our own. Grudges build. Differences divide. Until suddenly the relationship is considered “irreconcilable” and the relationship ends.

Too many relationships this time of year end in such a way. Two couples close to us are ending their marriages this season, two others are on the verge. This isn’t unusual. In fact, the holiday season sees one of two annual peaks in divorces and breakups according to a recent study. I can see why, the stresses of the holiday season, the prospects of the coming year, the romanticized image of ringing in the New Year in slow motion surrounded by music, champagne in hand, and a kiss from a beautiful person you just met.

But the long term effects are devastating. There’s the holiday shuffle, where you shuttle between families on Christmas Day to visit each of your divorced parents, in-laws, and new step families as they each fight over who gets the prime times of opening presents first thing in the morning or having dinner in the evening. Kids bounce from home to home on weekends, holidays, and birthdays to the point of not being able to identify which is truly “home”.

Another consequence is that the cycle repeats. One of the couples we know getting a divorce right now has parents who are divorced. Single moms beget future single moms. Teenage parents often become grandparents by their 40s.

I’m not intending to cast stones here. But highlight the reality of the world in which we temporarily live. Family struggles, dysfunction and division add another stressor to an already crushing season. It is a reality for many of us, yet we must persevere through into the next season of our lives.

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:9)

Loss

Frank

The holidays are hard enough without having to deal with recent loss or the reminder of loved ones lost long ago. My mom lives in a retirement community and one of her friends was celebrating his first Christmas without his wife of many years. If that wasn’t bad enough, he received Christmas card after Christmas card addressed to both he and his wife. My father passed away 14 years ago and we’d receive letters addressed to him for quite a few years after his death. Each one reopening a wound.

Others suffer the double-wound of losing someone around the holidays, making a harsh reminder every year. I know some who have given up celebrating holidays or birthdays on account of such loss. It is a painful reminder every year of fond memories that can never again be relived and of our own mortality.

Chances are, you’ve lost someone dear to you this past year. If not, you certainly know someone else who has. Either way, it is also likely that the holidays remind you of loved ones lost years ago. For me, Christmas the first couple of years we had children were hard because I wished my dad and my grandma could have been around to celebrate with us. Each year I remember on Christmas 15 or 16 years ago when a close friend of the family brought his newborn daughter, Erin, over to my grandma’s to show her off. I remember my dad being playful in a way I hadn’t seen since I was young as she sat on his lap. I always wished to share the same experience with my own kids, but that was not meant to be. I lost him in September, right before his birthday. No significant holiday reminder of his death, yet the changing season and the turning of the leaves every year reminds me of his passing.

Specific to the holidays, not a Thanksgiving goes by that I don’t remember Jenny. She was a couple of years older than me and her little brother was a year behind me in school. But we lived in a small town, so everyone knew everyone else. An annual “tradition”after many of us went off to college would be to gather the Friday after Thanksgiving at one of the local bars to catch up with old friends from school. We’d all gather and figure out where to head next for some big party- either at someone’s house, or at one of the many popular hangouts outdoors (I grew up in an agriculture community, so many families had plenty of land on which to find a spot for a party). Cell phones were just beginning to get broad use, so that sped up the process as the time spent at the bar was shared with time on the phone coordinating plans.

That particular year we started at the usual spot and when no one showed, we moved on to another bar. One of my friends was constantly on his cell trying to find where everyone was headed. After a few drinks and a couple of rounds of pool, his phone started to ring. “Have you seen Jenny?” “Do you know where Jenny is?” “We haven’t seen her for over an hour.” With each subsequent call, the mood shifted away from celebration towards concern. Turns out the popular place to party that night was at a dock by the river. She was there. She wandered off. She disappeared. Her body washed up a couple of days later.

I didn’t stick around town to find out the toxicology report. But I recall that she struggled with depression and substance abuse. But most couldn’t understand. She graduated top of her class. She was popular and beautiful. But there was something missing. No one knows if it was an accident or suicide, but now every year her family is reminded of her death with every turkey carved. Even though not being particularly close to her, ask myself every Thanksgiving “where’s Jenny”.

“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13

Anguish

Frank

It’s that time of year to look back and wonder where all the time went. My family sent out a collage of pictures for our Christmas card this year, and as we went through our pictures we couldn’t believe all that we did this year. No wonder it went so fast. Yet at the same time, I look at my daughter who turned three a couple of months ago and my son, who turns 6 in a week, and I still want to picture them as a newborn and a toddler. Other parents tell me how fast they grow up while they stand beside their teenagers. I guess I was hoping this phase would last longer.

As time has flown on by, it’s also time to look back on the resolutions you didn’t keep. “I could’ve done that one if only…” Where did the time, and our goals, go? My job also just had performance reviews. Another chance to look back at opportunities lost or goals not achieved.

Maybe that’s not you. Maybe you can look back at your year satisfied at all that happened and in accomplishing all you strove out to do. But chances are, there is still some regret. At least one thing that you didn’t do that you wanted to, or did do that you didn’t.

So we look ahead to next year. What should we resolve? What should we strive to achieve? Where should we plan to go? If you look back at this past year thinking failure, there’s added pressure to make up for it next year. If you look back with contentment, you may feel challenged to even come up with any goals for the coming year. For me, it’s like a personal Bible study. Once I finish, I struggle coming up with “what’s next.”

Either way, we place pressure upon ourselves. We may linger in our regret, or we may be afraid of the future. We may feel pressured to improve our health, our finances, our spirituality. We may have a monkey on our back we want to rid ourselves of, but then comes the follow up question of “how?”. Maybe we look ahead and see open doors of opportunity, but are afraid of what’s on the other side.

Pressure. Regret. Fear. Anguish.

Interestingly, an antonym of anguish is assurance whose synonyms are goals, hope, promise. At this time of year, the future is before us filled with hope and promise. But our reaction is literally the opposite. Why is that? Is it because our faith is weak? Do we lack in prayer? Do we forget our Creator who “satisfies our desires with good things” (Psalm 103:5)? Or maybe it just because we’re too focused on ourselves.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6)

This post is part of a Blog Carnival on the topic of Reflection. Visit Peter Pollock’s blog to read more.

Hangover

Frank
The Monday after Christmas and all through the place, not single room was cleaned up, not even two-day old dirty plates. Boxes lay empty with wrapping paper strewn about. Kids play with new toys, while parents over instructions pout….

Saturday night, after spending the day running from family to family, we pull into our driveway exhausted. My wife looks at me and says simply, “that’s it?” Christmas day for many just flies on by. Wake up early, open gifts. Help the kids put their toys together. Spend the day visiting friends and family. Eat, eat, and eat some more. The kids get loaded with sugar and new things to play with and are bouncing off the walls. Parents and grandparents toil the day in the kitchen preparing a nice Christmas dinner. Then stuffed to the gills, and with kids still wound up, you try and call it a day as you crawl into bed exhausted.

Ever heard the saying, I need a vacation from my vacation? We make ourselves too busy, wear ourselves out, and wonder why the holidays aren’t enjoyable. Where’s Jesus in the mad dash? Where is there time to slow down and actually enjoy the family you’re taking the time to visit? Maybe it’s just me, but every year Christmas gets more and more chaotic and less and less enjoyable.

I need a holiday from my holiday. I feel sorry for you who are working today. I should be, but I couldn’t even get out of bed to get a post up in the morning. We have house cleaning, dishes, laundry, and picking up and finding a place for our children’s new toys. I’m exhausted, still full, and incredibly impatient. If I actually had anything to drink, I’d say I was hungover.

That’s how many get through the holidays actually. In an inebriated haze. The present cultural cliche is that moms slave away in the kitchen while the dads zone out in front of the TV watching the Cowboys and Lakers. Every family has the “drunk uncle”. We toast champagne and drink eggnog (usually not the non-alcoholic version). Even the white elephant gift exchange I have at work involves volumes of alcohol. Of course everyone tries to trade for the “good stuff” while the white elephant cheap liquor is the gag gift. One of my co-workers this year got a 12 pack of Hamm’s. Everyone laughed while jockeying for the Kahlua or Sam Adams. And at the end of the day after putting up with screaming kids, annoying in-laws and tacky gifts (the curse of the holiday sweater!) we finish the day with a nightcap.

And so we start the week hungover while making plans for staying up all night Friday to wake up feeling the same way New Year’s Day.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

The Christmas/New Year’s week is insane. It shouldn’t be.

How are you maintaining your sanity through the holidays?