marriage

Pro Choice (but not like you think)

Frank

Just when you think the lightning-rod of politics and Christianity couldn’t get any more polarized, I saw this headline “Pastor’s Wife: Counseling freed Haggard of gay urges”. Of course, I left homosexuality off yesterday’s post as the other issue that does Christianity more harm than good when muddied with politics. But this article wasn’t what I expected when I clicked the link. It discusses Gayle Haggard’s new book chronicling her coping with her husband’s homosexual infidelity and “recovery”. The headline is a bit inflammatory because of the notion that you can counsel away homosexuality (or pray it away, and so forth). But the interview on the Today show heads this off as she states clearly, “That’s not true for everybody. That’s his story.”

It also brings up an important point about love, heterosexual and homosexual: it is a choice. This goes back to my distinction between lust and love– lust is selfish while love is sacrificial. This goes beyond the notion of love being the same as a feeling of affection. We choose to love our spouse, our children, our lovers, etc even while they drive us crazy because it is a choice. We may not “feel” love when we are most hurt, but we have to choose to continue to love those who hurt us. That is independent of sexuality. I would hope both gay and straight could agree on that point.

Gayle is a great example of this, choosing to love and not reject her husband regardless of fidelity or sexual identity. That trait is rare these days (another headline today: John Edwards and wife formally separated) and is hard for so many to understand. One justification for divorce is attempting to advocate for the children- that it would be better to be raised in a broken home than in a loveless one. But again, love is a choice. Maybe it would be better for a child to be raised in a broken home than to be raised in a home where one or both parents intentionally choose to be selfish and not love.

Back to sexuality, there are homosexuals in committed heterosexual relationships. Why/how? Because they choose to be. This is another example that is so hard for many in the world to understand but I cannot express it enough, love is independent of sex. I think if more embraced this view of love, many of the prejudicial barriers between Christians and homosexuals could be broken down.

Maybe we need a refresher of 1 Corinthians 13:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

-1 Cor 13:4-8

Pro Choice (but not like you think)

Frank

Just when you think the lightning-rod of politics and Christianity couldn’t get any more polarized, I saw this headline “Pastor’s Wife: Counseling freed Haggard of gay urges”. Of course, I left homosexuality off yesterday’s post as the other issue that does Christianity more harm than good when muddied with politics. But this article wasn’t what I expected when I clicked the link. It discusses Gayle Haggard’s new book chronicling her coping with her husband’s homosexual infidelity and “recovery”. The headline is a bit inflammatory because of the notion that you can counsel away homosexuality (or pray it away, and so forth). But the interview on the Today show heads this off as she states clearly, “That’s not true for everybody. That’s his story.”

It also brings up an important point about love, heterosexual and homosexual: it is a choice. This goes back to my distinction between lust and love– lust is selfish while love is sacrificial. This goes beyond the notion of love being the same as a feeling of affection. We choose to love our spouse, our children, our lovers, etc even while they drive us crazy because it is a choice. We may not “feel” love when we are most hurt, but we have to choose to continue to love those who hurt us. That is independent of sexuality. I would hope both gay and straight could agree on that point.

Gayle is a great example of this, choosing to love and not reject her husband regardless of fidelity or sexual identity. That trait is rare these days (another headline today: John Edwards and wife formally separated) and is hard for so many to understand. One justification for divorce is attempting to advocate for the children- that it would be better to be raised in a broken home than in a loveless one. But again, love is a choice. Maybe it would be better for a child to be raised in a broken home than to be raised in a home where one or both parents intentionally choose to be selfish and not love.

Back to sexuality, there are homosexuals in committed heterosexual relationships. Why/how? Because they choose to be. This is another example that is so hard for many in the world to understand but I cannot express it enough, love is independent of sex. I think if more embraced this view of love, many of the prejudicial barriers between Christians and homosexuals could be broken down.

Maybe we need a refresher of 1 Corinthians 13:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

-1 Cor 13:4-8

Lust or Love?

Frank

Is it lust, is it love?
Whatever it is, I can’t get enough
Is it lust, is it love?
When I look around tell me who can I trust
Is it love?
-Scorpions, Lust or Love

A while back, I speculated on the high divorce rate in this country especially amongst christians (intentional little-c). The primary reason, I figure, is the notion of “irreconcilable differences.” In other words, you’re in an argument and you just refuse to give in. I think sadly, one of the reasons divorce is so prevalent is that our society has confused lust and love. I don’t necessarily mean the desire to marry out of carnal passion, but more the contrast of lust and love and their root in our hearts.

Consider lust: “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.” (1 John 2:15-17, NIV) Here, lust is counted as “lov[ing] the world” and is in opposition to loving God. In the NASB translation, verse 16 reads, “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.” So both the lust of the eyes and the lust of the flesh are contrary to the love of the Father. This scripture has always challenged me, because it is a harsh priority-check. Do I love God more than myself? And that’s what lust is- loving ourselves, aka selfishness.

It is obvious then that lust stands opposed to love, because love is sacrificial. And this is where society goes off on the wrong track. Often in marriages (and most other relationships) we have the attitude of “what’s in it for me?” In an argument? You want to win. Stressful day? You want to relax and be served. House a mess? You want someone else to clean. That’s what makes lust, both of the eyes and flesh, so dangerous. We become the center of our relationships. Wife not as attractive as she was when you got married? That’s ok, go look at pornography. Husband doesn’t listen? That’s ok, have an emotional affair with a coworker. Not satisfied sexually? That’s ok, have a physical affair. And it doesn’t take long before more than half of all marriages come to a sad, selfish, lustful end.

But it was never intended to be that way. Again, love is sacrificial. “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13). Applied to marriages, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25, emphasis added) In an argument? Be the first to say I’m sorry. Stressful day? Do something for your spouse to brighten his/her day- you’d be surprised what you get in return. House a mess? Do something about it. Wife not as attractive as she was when you got married? “Rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18). Husband not listening? There’s probably something on his mind. Listen to him. Not satisfied sexually? Give like you’ve never given before and reap the benefits.

We cannot love if we are full of lust because “God is love” (1 John 4:8) and if we are lusting after the world, “the love of the Father is not in [us]”. Remember to love God first and foremost, to love ourselves last, and do not let lust rule in your heart.

Lust or Love?

Frank

Is it lust, is it love?
Whatever it is, I can’t get enough
Is it lust, is it love?
When I look around tell me who can I trust
Is it love?
-Scorpions, Lust or Love

A while back, I speculated on the high divorce rate in this country especially amongst christians (intentional little-c). The primary reason, I figure, is the notion of “irreconcilable differences.” In other words, you’re in an argument and you just refuse to give in. I think sadly, one of the reasons divorce is so prevalent is that our society has confused lust and love. I don’t necessarily mean the desire to marry out of carnal passion, but more the contrast of lust and love and their root in our hearts.

Consider lust: “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.” (1 John 2:15-17, NIV) Here, lust is counted as “lov[ing] the world” and is in opposition to loving God. In the NASB translation, verse 16 reads, “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.” So both the lust of the eyes and the lust of the flesh are contrary to the love of the Father. This scripture has always challenged me, because it is a harsh priority-check. Do I love God more than myself? And that’s what lust is- loving ourselves, aka selfishness.

It is obvious then that lust stands opposed to love, because love is sacrificial. And this is where society goes off on the wrong track. Often in marriages (and most other relationships) we have the attitude of “what’s in it for me?” In an argument? You want to win. Stressful day? You want to relax and be served. House a mess? You want someone else to clean. That’s what makes lust, both of the eyes and flesh, so dangerous. We become the center of our relationships. Wife not as attractive as she was when you got married? That’s ok, go look at pornography. Husband doesn’t listen? That’s ok, have an emotional affair with a coworker. Not satisfied sexually? That’s ok, have a physical affair. And it doesn’t take long before more than half of all marriages come to a sad, selfish, lustful end.

But it was never intended to be that way. Again, love is sacrificial. “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13). Applied to marriages, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25, emphasis added) In an argument? Be the first to say I’m sorry. Stressful day? Do something for your spouse to brighten his/her day- you’d be surprised what you get in return. House a mess? Do something about it. Wife not as attractive as she was when you got married? “Rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18). Husband not listening? There’s probably something on his mind. Listen to him. Not satisfied sexually? Give like you’ve never given before and reap the benefits.

We cannot love if we are full of lust because “God is love” (1 John 4:8) and if we are lusting after the world, “the love of the Father is not in [us]”. Remember to love God first and foremost, to love ourselves last, and do not let lust rule in your heart.

Irreconcilable Differences

Frank

Divorce should never be an option for Christians based on Jesus’ teachings in Matthew 5, yet the divorce rate in the church (little-c) is a little higher than the national average (60 to 50 percent, last I looked). The number one reason for divorce in the United States, with laws defining “no-fault divorce”, is irreconcilable differences. In other words, arguments that can’t be resolved. Again, this should be a non-option for Christians based on Romans 12: “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought… Honor one another above yourselves… If possible, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:3b,10b,18)

Reading Matthew 5 this morning, Jesus’ instruction on divorce is buried in the middle of a larger train of thought. If your Bible has headings, it might look something like this beginning in verse 21: Murder, Adultery, Divorce, Oaths, An Eye for an Eye, Love for Enemies. Since Jesus’ theme in these passages is less the action and more the heart consider this sequence: Anger, Lust, Unfaithfulness, Integrity, Turn the Other Cheek, Love Your Enemies.

What is your irreconcilable difference(s) with your spouse? What is the one (or more) thing that you two can never seem to resolve? How does that make you feel? (Come in, lay down on my couch) Angry? Do you use that as an excuse to be lustful? Remember that even lust is adultery and adultery is unfaithfulness to your marriage. Remember that you took an oath before God and your ‘I do’ means ‘I do’ just as your “yes be yes and your no be no”. Are you still angry at your spouse? Is there anything you haven’t let go of and forgiven? Turn the other cheek. Last, but certainly not least, if this is still too hard, love your enemy.

Irreconcilable Differences

Frank

Divorce should never be an option for Christians based on Jesus’ teachings in Matthew 5, yet the divorce rate in the church (little-c) is a little higher than the national average (60 to 50 percent, last I looked). The number one reason for divorce in the United States, with laws defining “no-fault divorce”, is irreconcilable differences. In other words, arguments that can’t be resolved. Again, this should be a non-option for Christians based on Romans 12: “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought… Honor one another above yourselves… If possible, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:3b,10b,18)

Reading Matthew 5 this morning, Jesus’ instruction on divorce is buried in the middle of a larger train of thought. If your Bible has headings, it might look something like this beginning in verse 21: Murder, Adultery, Divorce, Oaths, An Eye for an Eye, Love for Enemies. Since Jesus’ theme in these passages is less the action and more the heart consider this sequence: Anger, Lust, Unfaithfulness, Integrity, Turn the Other Cheek, Love Your Enemies.

What is your irreconcilable difference(s) with your spouse? What is the one (or more) thing that you two can never seem to resolve? How does that make you feel? (Come in, lay down on my couch) Angry? Do you use that as an excuse to be lustful? Remember that even lust is adultery and adultery is unfaithfulness to your marriage. Remember that you took an oath before God and your ‘I do’ means ‘I do’ just as your “yes be yes and your no be no”. Are you still angry at your spouse? Is there anything you haven’t let go of and forgiven? Turn the other cheek. Last, but certainly not least, if this is still too hard, love your enemy.